Crippled for Life Or Primed for Victory?

The picture above of a person sitting in a wheelchair could be me–or you. Even if you are not wheelchair-dependent for your mobility, you use some type of “device” to get around in the world:  your family name as a forefront identity, a nice looking body that says “I’m desirable,” a motorized turquoise wheelchair with an inaudible ocean spray message whispering”I’m a mermaid at heart.” Anything can be used to identify who we are–or to distract us (and others) from seeing who we really are. Sometimes these selections speak clearly of the real you and the real me, while other times they chip away at our God-given power as children of His, making the enemy of our souls (the enemy can live in the life of anyone who lets him in) shout “YES!” in the midst of our stumbling.

God has blessed me with knowing lots of people from around the world. I talk with people daily: hangout buddies, writer friends, business associates, etc. Being a member of and having led workshops for the International Women’s Writing Guild, I’ve been honored to meet an enormous volume of writers from around the globe. Active in multiple online authors and writers forums, out-and-about almost daily, and being active in my church have connected me with many people. Three specific individuals come to mind this evening. Oddly, all three shared with me that they have lived in silent desperation for years and see no way out. Are they all three women? No. So if you are a gentleman reader, read on, my friend.

These three hurting people live in “emotional” prison with invisible bars. T’ll call them Person A, Person B, and Person C. They each wear different “covers” to deflect the pain from digging deeper in their guts and attempt to camouflage the “crime.”

I knew a woman (Person A) born with a physical handicap (I’m not talking about me, but I will tell you when I am). She never wore lipstick. She wanted to wear it for years, but her mother said, “No!” and “You won’t look right in lipstick.” Her mother also made other decisions for her daughter and the daughter has average intelligence. She just couldn’t walk and take care of her physical needs. A step farther, her mother also told the daughter how much money she could spend from her check. I ill stop here. It just makes me burn inside to think about what her life was like. A point here, even people who claim they love us, like the beloved mother and caregiver (a real security to have, like chocolate tainted with poison), can be used as an enemy of our souls to hurt us, taking advantage of a vulnerable area in our lives to gain control. .

How did this criminal control hurt my friend? Answer: she told me, “I love momma and know she does her best. So what more can I do. I’ve got to love her. Right?” The truth she later admitted to me was that she knew her mother felt better about her own power when she exercised power over her.  My friend didn’t believe she would ever have the right and the power to live any life, except one crippled for life.

It makes me sick to my stomach.

Person B worked almost around the clock. Their spouse was thrilled at all of the money brought in, enjoying spending like there was no tomorrow. The spouse didn’t care about the other person’s decline in health from over-work. All they cared about was being married to a money machine. The appearance of success was all that mattered. Person B actually gave all they had, including their life, to render unto the spouse what-so-ever they desired. Yes, Person B was crippled for life, which led to suicide.

A Tragedy.

Person C is me. Many years ago I was engaged in a relationship that called for my attention twenty-four hours a day. I thought I was to help this person be a success. So I extended myself beyond a full-time job to a full-time job, plus assisting this individual, plus having another part-time job to help them. One day I got sick at my work, as my blood pressure went down to 80–something over 50–something. That’s what the doctor told me, and that I was physically exhausted. She also strongly advised me to stay home and rest for a couple of days. As I turned to roll out of the office the doctor asked me, “Why do you work so much? You must work in a good paying position. So what’s going on with you? Why are you killing yourself?” Then she smiled, put her arm around me, and said, “Mary, you struggle everyday of your life. Why not let them take responsibility for their things and struggle, too? You know, they’re no better than you, dear,” and she gave me one last smile with acknowledgement before my departure.

I’ll never forget those words of advice. If I had kept at that pace I would have worn out my helper apron and lived crippled for life, but I stopped taking up the slack in the other person’s life. I remained connected and helped when I could, but stopped killing myself.

I recently read some material on emotional abuse from Focus on the Family at  http://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/abuse_and_addiction/understanding_emotional_abuse.aspx  If you struggle with mental abuse or knows someone who does, please forward them this link.

In summary from the suggested link, emotionally crippling conditions may include some of the following: attempts to be isolated from others, withholding financial resources, contemptuous looks, excessive critical comments, and monitoring their whereabouts and activities.

We all own devices: some visible, some invisible. So if you’re an able-bodied person, you are still living on the same plane of fragility as us folks with what I laugh and call a “disability.” The question for me–and to you–is what device(s) do you and I scoot around in life with? Don’t worry, no one can invade your thoughts. It’s safe to be transparent with yourself.

Crippled for life or primed for victory?

It’s Safe: You Can Come Out Now

It’s been too many days and too many years. You’ve held back your tears with laughter and smiles. I tried to tell you that enough is enough, to come out of your closet and lean on me. But you hid your pain deep within and stayed in your dark closet–alone.

Today I learned that you died. We had just talked, but not really. You forced your pain to remain inside–and I guess I did some of that, too. Odd conversations?! Our sentences seemed to have subjects without predicates.

This month I knew a few people who died in different ways. But you chose to take your life.

You’re gone now and I’m still in shock.

I can remember us talking on the phone and laughing. We even talked some deep stuff. But you’re gone now and I’m sad and angry and almost in disbelief.

A closet must have been a very lonely home. I wish you had come out.

Hours have passed and I must turn in. As I roll my wheelchair back to the bedroom, I whisper, “My friend, you will be missed by me.”

As I lay down I think about my friend in sentences without predicates.  A dark closet. Unknowns.

Day is Done

Each evening I take a few moments to roll outside right before sunset, look up to the sky, and think about the  experiences that cross my path when day is done. Times of laughter, serious conversations, and inspirational moments  surface in my mind. Then there’s those trying situations that insist on being acknowledged., too. But this evening is different for me. This day I ask myself, “What in the world is  behind all of these human exchanges? Is there more than meets the eye? Am I too occupied with the tasks at hand to hear God’s quiet, holy voice?

Tonight I’m serious. No laughing. No joking. I grab my sweetened tea and wheel a few yards from the domesticated living space to the great outdoors to join the crickets.

God, I’m listening for You. Please make your presence real to me. I’m dense, Lord, but I don’t have to tell you that. So please make Yourself obvious to me.

Suddenly the sound of a child playing nearby makes me turn my head and watch her play with her darling puppy. Snuggling with the cherished newborn, kissing the baby on his wet little nose, and petting his soft coat warms my heart. The tenderness between the little girl and her new playmate– strong, yet delicate — sweeps through my spirit.

I talk with my special friends. Their bond is too special to not be shared. So I suggest that they visit our next door neighbor.

Day is done, and  I heard from God.

Hiding Behind a Smile and Why

Are you like me?  Do you sometimes hide behind a smile?

Trust me when I tell you I can be a real con artist. Do I get a thrill from the power of tricking other people into believing certain things about me? Absolutely not. In fact, the effects of me hiding behind my smile can be the opposite–negative. Behind the scene, the energy I have sometimes used to develop strategic thinking and put into effective action a smile has been a hardship more rigorous than what I’ve heard is experienced in giving birth without pain medication. Like a pregnant mother, I have carried in my heart a unique life substance that kicked its feet and threw its arms, protesting release from its imprisoned confines, but first checking all directions to make sure the coast was clear–less being chewed up and spit out.

Total transparency? I have never known one soul who is totally open. To me, few people brave it out in the raw, without using some sort of smile as their armor.

“My, you have a beautiful smile!” This is what I used to hear all the time, until I chipped my front tooth’s crown. Now I still smile, but my armor is cracked–and I feel that all the time.

Maybe you don’t see yourself with a pretty smile (like feeling that My smile is ugly). Maybe you use something else as your smile, like your nice shiny car (Thoughts such as What a beauty! People will think I’ve got it together), divorce and available marital status (Feelings may include I’ll have sex with her/him in my head–or maybe mess around, but I don’t dare get tied down, though I really love her/him, because I’m staying safe and never loving again), educational credential (I have a PhD, so someone will certainly hire –desire, want, value me–), or maybe getting into the workaholic mode (My life circumstances are so painful that I have to stay busy–or I will crash, crumble, shatter inside).

What is your smile? Is it your car? Your marital status? Your education? Your time commitments and accomplishments related to your work? Do they serve you well? Do they help you tolerate the things you can’t change and give you the boost you need to address and choose what to do with those issues and elements that rip your insides to pieces? Or does your smile give more space and time to drag out your pain?

I’ve hidden behind my smile more times than I can count. Sometimes my smile has won for me favor from others, and opened doors to new friendships and business relationships. But other times my smile has been a disservice to me, delaying/prolonging the inevitable–issues I needed to face and choose what to do with, so I could move on with my life.

I had a very close friend who chose suicide. I sat beside her open coffin, gazed at her, and held myself back from screaming, “NOOO!” Believe it or not, she smiled more than me. Serious. But her armor lost its effectiveness. She saw no other options, but to “throw in the towel.” Unfortunately, the “towel” was “her.” My wonderful friend who I loved so much chose to throw herself away. A lot to discard.

I still weep about my friend’s violent act against herself–and me.  She was especially close to my heart, because her arms looked like mine–deformed. She had Arthrogryposis, too. And she was brilliant and successful and beautiful, but secretly lonely for love. And now I turn to look at me. My problem? My stress? I had to accept her suicide as her choice. Secondly, I had to accept the fact that I was very angry at her. I was enraged. It occupied my heart and often tormented my waking and sleeping hours for a long time (yes, years–though I’m saddened to admit this truth about me). And maybe I was secretly afraid that I would, one day, do what she did.

Hiding behind a smile? Does your smile serve you well? I hope it does, moving you toward your aspired goal. Do you know why you hide behind your chosen smile? I hope so, empowering you with understanding and personal growth.

Do I hide behind a selected smile today? Yes. Laughter is one of my most used armors.  Do I understand why I hide behind my smile? Yes. It places my pain in the palm of God.

“Here I am, God.”

Happiness and the Woman with a Disability: Part One of Five

Happiness and the woman with a disability was the major topic of conversation when a girlfriend and I hung out this week. Believe me, we didn’t tip-toe through the tulips on this subject, but enjoyed swinging from treetops, laughing and giggling, and visiting some of those not-so-pleasant moments brushed with sadness. Most of our thoughts and emotions reflected the hit song when I was in my teens titled I am Woman  by Helen Reddy. Goal-oriented. Determined. Dry those eyes quick and move on with it! Our mindsets had been clear and well-planned. Like me, for years my friend and hero had carried a torch for herself as well as other women with disabilities. No pretending. No turning back. Whatever the price, we would pay it to reach the finish line. Over the course of many years God had blessed our paths with so many sweet victories, but the razor-sharp experiences did come. Conditions that sliced up our hearts, made us bleed, and threw us face down in the dirt before a God who seemed merciless had happened — fast and without warning.

We sat in our motorized wheelchairs on her front porch, looked into the others eyes, and knew where all the guts came from. The Holy Spirit dwelt in our hearts. We were unique individuals empowered by the same God.

Much of our communication was non-verbal, which was cool for both of us. Smirk grins, raised brows, and rolling eyeballs were only the beginning of our non-verbal expressions. Foot-stomping, head-scratching, and nose-rubbing set in. In a short time, we turned Happiness and the Woman with a Disability upside down and inside-out. By the time my bus arrived we were pumped up and ready to cope with whatever came our way.

If the two-hour visit had been taped and watched by helping professions, its potential to enlighten viewers would have been substantiated. But the confidentiality of our meeting remains so. Therefore, no private details will be disclosed. Instead, principles with illustrations (real-life ones with names, etc. withheld) will be the content in the five-part blog post series.

Listed below are the subjects to be covered in this article and four forthcoming posts:

Part One: Introduction and What Page are You On?

Part Two: Goals? Love them or Leave them.

Part Three: Humility versus Self-Respect?

Part Four: Acceptance and Change: Drawing the Line.

Part Five: You’re Still Living for Reasons: So what’s Next?

Part One: What Page are You On?

Who are you?

Who are you?

It’s not uncommon to wonder who am I? Moses wasn’t really sure who he was. Obviously, the deepest question you can ask yourself is “Who Am I?”

One arm is longer than the other? The left foot drags? I can’t talk right. I stutter? It’s beneficial to have a handle on our physical characteristics, but who are you?

To illustrate, I have Arthrogryposis and use a motorized wheelchair. This assessment may assist me in understanding my physical abilities, but barely skims the surface of answering who I am as a woman.

God sees who I am. He reveals to me the specifics of my identity everyday:

“My child, you can do— . I’ve already given you the ability. Look away from your handicaps. I’ve allowed them in your life to remind you to lean on me, in faith.”

“But God?!”

“Stop right there. Don’t let your anxiety dictate to you. Remember that your weaknesses are really your strengths when you live through me. So consider them a blessing, as when you are weak you are strong.”

Please take a moment and step into my life. I’m going to be vulnerable before you:

A pretty predominant characteristic of my identity is my belief that big improvements could very well be warranted in many areas. I aspire to reach excellence, knowing only God can do that in me. But it’s more than just that. I struggle to believe my writing and art are good. I struggle to believe my hair is styled okay. I struggle to be on time by always being fifteen to thirty minutes earlier than scheduled. I struggle to believe I’m valued in some relationships and I struggle to remember to cover everything when I pray. That’s me. And God knows it, of course. In terms of my physical handicap, I often forget it’s there, because I’ve tried for sixty-one years to make it less significant by excelling in life. Part of this attitude has been generated by God, who has spoken to my heart so many times by saying “Go forward! I’ve empowered you. So do it!” I have also been socialized to believe in the concept of I Can. But I do struggle with vacillating.

In sum, what do I not have that I need to maintain happiness (with or without a disability)?

A God-centered identity, like Moses. After all, He promises to be with me–and you.

When I was a little girl my Dad would carry me on his shoulders and he would introduce me by raising and extending my deformed hand to shake hands with a new person.  Dad would  say, “This is my daughter, M.J.!” He loved me and was proud of me, like God is, seeing past my infirmity to my soul.

Again, when we are weak we are strong. Happiness and the woman with a disability? Yes! It is there for us.

Take a look at this short video. Oh! I’ve got to show it to my girlfriend, too. She’ll love it!–

After the Rain

Black clouds rolled over Beechwood Apartments, spilling a steady, gentle rain on the lawn. The dry Earth welcomed the moisture from the sky, open and waiting for more. I could smell the soil in my nostrils, and almost hear the flowers and grass laugh with pleasure of being bathed by the heavens’ soft water.

After the shower emptied its moisture on the nature’s tender surface, the bright sun gifted our flowers and trees with the warmth from the sky’s yellow rays, and dried their wet faces.

Suddenly, wet, soggy, non-picturesque floras, beaten by the wind and rain, burst into a beautiful bouquet. Surprise, I gazed at the clear pink blooms and thought about my life. I thought about the many miraculous gifts placed by God in the pathway I had wheeled, places loomed with darkness and pain. God had protected me from potential car accidents, rescued me from being froze to death in two snow storms, and, amidst danger, placed my feet on higher ground. Like the rain nourishing these precious plants, enhancing their color richness and growth, I had often been guarded and fed by my Holy Father.

Have you ever looked back on your life after the rain and thought, “Circumstances turned out better than I could have imagined?”

Isn’t it easy to look at the storm, get scared, and miss God’s presents to you and me?

The bountiful presents come, like soft rain and warm sun.

Feelings of thankfulness and a deep sense of peace swell in our hearts.

Rolling through Snow in A Wheelchair

Yes, friends, it can be done. Look at my new friend I just met on Facebook. She’s pretty cool! Melody Squire is her name and you should see her art. Check out at Facebook how she does it. She’s a woman with true grit. God has blessed her tremendously.

Glad to meet you, Melody! Talk with you tomorrow.

Humor sometimes serves as an Effective Teaching Tool

Though often unnoticed, humor is rooted in much of the Bible. It is no surprise that little has been written on the subject matter. Nevertheless, humor continues to be valuable in communication–tearing down obstacles, encouraging ideas, and challenging people to consider different approaches to life issues.

The above excerpt comes from an online course I teach at LVSONLINE.COM. The title of the course is “The Power of Humor in Highly-charged Material.”

Laughing, chuckles, and “light bulb” moments have sprinkled my years with so many eye-opening experiences, helping me to let down my guard, hold up my catcher’s mitt, and  grab for the gifts of enlightment thrown my way. And as I ‘ve studied the Bible during the last several years I’ve noticed numerous episodes of humor.

“Wow, humor sometimes serves as an effective teaching tool,” I recognized. “Gosh, even in the Bible.”

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The Power of Humor

I’m always laughing about something. Trust me, there’s power in humor. That’s why I’ve developed an online course on the subject. In coming weeks you will also note more posts on the power of humor, with personal experiences detailing some funny times–and what I learned from these treasures.

The Power of Humor: A Phenomenon Discovered in Highly-Charged Material identifies humor in a Biblical context, offering timeless wisdom with laughter, a twinkle, and a smile. I believe God invented humor, so Jesus would certainly use it. Unfortunately, recognizing Christ’s humor has been rare with only hints and indications. Let’s be honest, Jesus did not fit the mold of what a holy man was –taking in sinners, eating with them, and treating them as if they were old friends.

As a Bible scholar most of my life, I’ve discovered that humor is rooted in much of the Bible, though little has been written on the subject matter. Nevertheless, humor continues to be a valuable means of communication–tearing down obstacles, encouraging ideas, and challenging people to consider different approaches to life issues.

Topics covered in my online course will include a definition and review of the qualities and benefits of merry medicine or humor in the Bible; humor of Jesus through irony, sarcasm and the outlandish; loaded one-liners; and three Bible stories sure to bring a smile to your face.

This self-study course (I wrote the lessons, but the course is not instructor-led) is a very honest and transparent approach to the Bible that encourages readers to understand some of the Scriptures with fresh eyes.

The Power of Humor: A Phenomenon Discovered in Highly-Charged Material is a valuable course for anyone who feels overwhelmed when they read the Bible or for those who just may be ready for a good laugh.

Anyone with an interest in the Bible, God, and humor, as well as those who feel a need for a dose of lightheartedness, will benefit from this course.

If you’re interested in more detaila about the course, please click this link:

http://www.lvsassociates.com/register/product_info.php?products_id=329

Have you experienced the power of humor in your life? If yes, I’d love to hear about them.